Starring: John Travolta, Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence, William H. Macy, Ray Liotta
Directed by: Walt Becker
The Plot: Four regular joes embark on a motorcycle ride to rediscover their lost masculinity while getting caught up in some hilarious hijinx along the way. At least that's what the trailer is indicating.
Crapterion Commentary:
NOTE:
The Crapterion Collection is proud to offer Wild Hogs as the gold standard for our new library of Future Crapterion Picks™, an honored series of titles devoted to movies that have yet to see general release but simply must be included among the Crapterion library regardless. We'd tell you about other FCPs, but we haven't heard about them yet.
Three words, Crapterion fans: "Un", "Fucking" and "Believable". That seems to be the most literate response I could muster when I passed the billboard for Wild Hogs at Highland and Franklin in my truck.
Indulge me, if you will, in a bit of Movie Executive role-playing:
Movie Executive #1: Wow, I just found a shitload of cash in this desk drawer.
Movie Executive #2 (entering): Hey Jake, thanks for letting me borrow your old VHS copies of Home Improvement, Martin and Welcome Back Kotter. There were some independent films with William H. Macy in there too, but don't worry, I still ignored them. Must have been some mistake.
Movie Executive #3 (entering): Guys, did you see my new custom motorcycle out in the parking lot?
Movie Executive #1: I've got an idea!
End role-playing.
This is so clearly a TIM ALLEN movie. From the texture of the cinematography (sitcom bright and safe for families who fear contrast) to the broad jokes ("He got hit in the dick!", "He slept next to a man!", "He fell down!"), Wild Hogs is a Tim Allen vehicle that might have simply passed like a ship in the night. But, oh no, dear readers, this is no mere Tim Allen vehicle.
This is also a MARTIN LAWRENCE vehicle. I almost didn't recognize him without his fat suit on. He seems content to do as little as possible in this role and God bless him, but honestly, what else should he do with his time as he watches Tyler Perry steal his multi-character thunder? Just don't go jog yourself into a coma again, Martin.
And it apparently is also a JOHN TRAVOLTA vehicle. My Lord, if John wants to dispel the homosexual rumors, then I must advise him NOT to appear in full leather garb on national billboards and to NOT, under any circumstances, continue kissing his male passengers on the lips as they board his plane. When the "What are you guys doing camping and mistakenly sleeping so close together?" scene in Hogs preview appear, I can only assume that is the moment Travolta stopped reading, slammed the script down on his Quantas Airliner cockpit dashboard and called his agent to take the role. I mean, the joke is funny because I'm not percieved as gay, right? Wrong, Mr Travolta. Dead wrong.
And lastly, sadly, this is a WILLIAM H. MACY vehicle. Oh, Bill. I can only imagine how nice the third house in St Bart's is going to be. He gets a pass from me but if he winds up in a movie that starts "From two of the Producers of Epic Movie" anytime soon I will return my membership no matter what.
From the "baseball-to-the-crotch" gag to the Collective Soul song which graces the preview soundtrack, this film seems like it was put in a faulty time capsule back in 1992. I say faulty because the details are all repugnantly out-of-date ("Highway to Hell" plays to indicate bikers, Marisa Tomei, and a computer gag that requires you to believe someone would use speech-recognition software at a coffee shop and that said software would appear in large text on the screen to better explain the hilarity which ensues -- so 1992!) but the actors all aged, apparently due to improper oxygen exposure. I'm gonna take a wild guess that John Travolta faces down his fear and stands up for himself, I bet Martin Lawrence learns his wife isn't so overbearing, I think Tim Allen learns that being Santa Claus might remain his greatest claim to fame and Bill Macy will finally get the girl, something that has become so difficult for him to obtain. There, you can save $12 on admission!
Well, no matter how much I whine, this film will likely make $100 million dollars and Movie Executives #1-3 will all become more rich and more powerful so I guess I'll just take satisfaction in the fact that their efforts helped me write this entry very very early. It feels good to be beyond punctual.
Congrats on your FCP™ status, Wild Hogs!
